I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
