i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
