He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
