Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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