I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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