Cold hands, warm shart.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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