Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
