I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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