I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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