dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
