Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize