I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize