i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
