Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
