He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
