Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
