If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
