toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
