if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
well you can't waste a boner
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
