we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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