I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
