tell your sister to shave her snatch
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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