There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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