my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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