dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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