Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
