I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
