she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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