Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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