Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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