Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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