you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i wish my penis had a tongue
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So much rum. So many feels.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
