Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
