listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
