The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
