I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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