don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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