her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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