Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
