I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
