First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
