Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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