I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize