I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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