is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
