I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
