Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
