New invention idea: vibrating tampons
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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