The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
