Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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