threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
