Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
