remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
im on a boat
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