So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
