I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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