last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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