How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
