My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
