So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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