my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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