Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize